I heard the song “The Twelve Days of Christmas” on the radio
the other day. (Actually, I heard it sometime around November 10th,
causing me to hurl my automobile radio out the window. I believe it may have struck a pedestrian. But I digress.) Anyway, as I was saying, I heard the song on
the radio, and it struck me just how completely useless a song it is.
Let’s analyze it, shall we?
12 Drummers Drumming
Oh, great. Twelve
Tommy Lee doppelgangers in my living room.
That’s bound to be pleasant. It’s
also bound to be a noisy, testosterone-infused beat-fest, with tattoo-laced
ego-tripping rock stars trying to outdo one another for sheer style. So instead of sleeping in on Christmas
morning, I have to deal with a migraine.
Just what I always wanted.
11 Pipers Piping
I’m still trying to figure out where my True Love dug up one
lone piper, let alone eleven. There’s
Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, but beyond that, I’m not sure another ten
exist anywhere on the planet. And not
like a Zamfir CD is anybody’s idea of a great Christmas gift. Come on.
That just screams “Walmart bargain bin at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve.” Of course, I suppose Piper from Piper and
Tupper would be a suitable alternative, and we all know the story of the Pied
Piper…my question is, who’s gonna pay him?
Not me.
10 Lords-a-leaping
Now, it’s just my opinion, but anybody who’s a “Lord” in
this day and age is probably far too stuck up to do any real leaping. My guess is that they pay their servants to
do any necessary leaping for them. In
the event of a real Lord leaping, it’s probably safe to say that they have
somehow managed to yet again squeeze money from the lower classes. If you saw Bernie Maddoff leaping around his
office, what would you think? I thought so. Not at all a nice thing to
learn on Christmas. Next!
9 Ladies Dancing
This was probably the easiest gift for my so-called “True
Love” to find. He probably just went
down to the local “gentlemen’s club” and waved a few twenties around. He probably had to beat off the any extra
ladies with a stick. And where am I
going to put that pole? I’ll have to
take out the Christmas tree.
8 Maids-a-milking
Maids don’t milk anymore, that process being more generally
suited to large, sterilized machines. In
the event that eight milk maids could be summoned, in order to be “a-milking,”
they would require the influx of eight ruminants from which to harvest said
milk. Imagine that panic that would
ensure when the dancing ladies vehemently object to sharing space with over
half a dozen bovines. Moo-ving on.
7 Swans-a-swimming
As any zoology-minded person can attest, it is a rare thing
to come across a swan who is merely swimming.
A more accurate assessment of this gift would be “seven
swans-a-spitting,” “seven swans-a-hissing,” or “seven
swans-a-charging-at-you-with-wings-and-neck-extended.” Not to mention the swan poop all over the
carpet.
6 Geese-a-laying
Possibly the most practical gift on the list, it quickly
breaks down to be nothing more than a huge hassle. Space, and large amounts of high-quality
feed are required in order to stimulate the laying process. And I have yet to see the Betty Crocker cake
mix box instructions that require “2 goose eggs.”
5 Gold Rings
What, one for each finger on one hand? A truly lucky woman will have ONE GOLD RING
on her hand, and perhaps a diamond, signifying her union with her True
Love. I guess my True Love got a deal
on these gold rings, and gave them all to me.
Or perhaps he had intended to leave the other four in reserve, in case
he should come across other women he might consider his true love. This reminds me of the sign I saw once for “I
Love You Only” valentine cards – Now available in multi-packs! Wonderful.
4 Calling Birds
Do I really want more calling birds in my life? What sort of birds are these? And what are they calling about? If they’re calling to offer me a chance to
lower my credit card interest rates, or to tell me that my automobile warranty
is about to expire and would I like to provide my credit card information over
the phone to the helpful person on the other end…thanks, but no thanks. Stuff the calling birds and serve them to me
for Christmas dinner, and I’ll reconsider.
3 French Hens
Oh, terrific. French
hens? I notice that while the geese
earlier were a-laying, this particular gift indicates nothing about their egg
production abilities. Given that these
are French hens, they will probably just strut around the coop in a bored
manner, smoking cigarettes, and saying things like, “Zees coop looks like zee
crap! Euh, I am le bored!” Stuff these guys
along with the calling birds and we’ll feed the neighbors, too.
2 Turtledoves
WTF? More freaking
birds? I already have swans and geese
and telemarketing-calling birds and ennui-infused chickens. What the hell do I want with
turtledoves? I see these things in pet
stores and while they are billed as a timeless expression of love and devotion,
I must say, all they do is sit around and poop.
How’s that for a description of marriage?
A Partridge in a Pear
Tree
Oh, terrific, another damned bird! Let
us consult the encyclopedia regarding partridges, shall we? Here we go:
These are medium-sized birds,
intermediate between the larger pheasants and the smaller quails. Partridges are ground-nesting seed-eaters. Ground nesters! So how did I manage to get one that’s up in a
tree? Ecologically speaking, the
partridge should be underneath the tree, like a sort of feather-wrapped
present. The only way to get a partridge
in a pear tree is to shoot it, stuff
it, and mount its ass up there.
Thanks, True Love.
